Pretty Wild: How Amazon Saved Christmas

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From Business Insider:

  • Amazon improved its shipping options with the goal of making it easy to get last-minute holiday gifts on time.
  • Customers’ use of Amazon’s one-day, same-day, and two-hour delivery doubled this holiday, according to the company.
  • This dovetails with Amazon’s commitment to being the most convenient option to gain market share, at the expense of margin.
  • 2018 Goal: take on 1/2 of ALL Holiday deliveries

In the Pretty Wild household, a boy is marked a man upon turning 13, where he ceremoniously butchers a Torah portion and drinks manischewitz, in a practice we Jews call Bar Mitzvah.  To my understanding, Communion is the Catholic version of indoctrination, and I’d wager that the induction into adulthood was as arbitrary and confusing as my own rite.  I for one, certainly didn’t feel much different before and after the final amen.  Sure, religion will always hold its meaning and tradition, but real growth happens in the real world, where the loss of my virginity and tenure at sleep away camp catalyzed puberty more than any prayer or blessing could have.   While we will always have our systems in place, the real delta of aging comes without plan or form, and is hardly served with a heads-up.  Growing up is all about gaining experience and losing innocence, and there is no greater robbery of that, than upon discovering the truth behind Santa Clauses existence, or lack thereof.  All the HGH in the world can’t accelerate childhood as much as finding the man behind green curtain of the Christmas miracle; a potential trauma if reality isn’t delivered softly.  For the eviscerated 9-year-old kid who put the wrong words into the Google Search bar this year, fear not!  While Saint Nick is just your uncle Joe in holiday garb, there was a man bearing gifts Sunday night…he just prefers UPS to a chimney.  So, when you leave cookies and milk out by the tree, address them to the real workhorse of Christmas, Mr. Jeff Bezos.


Next time you’re in an Uber, lean over to your friend and tell him it’s your first one.  You’ll be met with the same wide-eyed bewilderment I have when I meet an 11-year-old who thinks a man and his flying reindeers can solve the logistical feat that is the Christmas delivery route.  It’s a labyrinth of an algorithm that should be all but insolvable without the capabilities of an entire army touting bows and wrapping paper.  Almost 1 billion people celebrate X-Mas, across all 195 countries, which are dubiously segregated by the 4 oceans and our wayward time zones. That gives Mr. Clause a mere 12-hour window before late fees are applied.  To believe in Santa, is to believe in magic, and that’s disillusionment that can only spawn from the credos of religion.  Still though, the world awoke to find their stockpiles beneath the tree, albeit no holiday magic was at play.  While the world may never find Santa’s Factory, we can all bow our heads to Amazon and it’s 2-day delivery option, that allowed for Monday mornings bounty.


On the long list of obvious things a child should come to understand before maturation, the sorcery of Christmas is to be eradicated early.  It’s an astonishing feat for one man to swindle, but Amazon and its 200,000-person team are working to keep the belief in the supernatural alive, barring any age restrictions.  Never has gift giving been so convenient, and never has a company been so dominant in the multitude of industries they serve to.  Between their brick and mortar locations, global distribution hubs, and self-branded consumer goods, Amazon has led the renaissance against traditional retailing, and has been remarkably successful at creating networks that allow our procrastination to not be the end of familial relationships.  Of course, the Board doesn’t tell stock carriers that their growth is due to Santa’s magic. What keeps them in the fiscal green is their ability to guarantee short term delivery, which rectifies our maligned consumer trends during the Holiday season.


In Amazons 23 years of existence, Bezos still eludes that we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg, as they work to unveil their Amazon NOW option which will be facilitated by drone fleets and Elon Musk’s driverless cars.  Technology permitting, the turnaround for those inhabiting a major municipality will be almost instant; logistical witchcraft even more impressive than mammalian powered sleigh rides.  The astute child will start to realize that the bulk of their presents come in Amazon labeled cardboard, inquiry that may even pave the way for new Christmas traditions, like rush ordering all 7 fishes on the night of.  In a world that has begun to place monstrous value on convenience, Amazon is the stock of choice for one betting on the future of consumerism.  For brevities sake, take to YouTube for  more on the logistical blue prints behind Bezos’ title as the supply chain maverick and the defenses he has created to defeat any Grinch attempting to impede his vision.  Merry Christmas, Jeff…this year, Christmas was yours.





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