Pretty Wild: What Goes on in the Mens Locker Room Before Work

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Achieving the ever-elusive Work/Life Balance seems to be the holy grail in terms of corporate clock punching.  As a newborn in the business jungle, achieving balance is like taking an Olympic Gold…a task as difficult as it is realistic.  As with all things in life, a little perspective can remedy the angst, and a recent trip to the gym during business hours on a Tuesday morning offered me just that.  In a locker room filled with C-Level Execs, associates, and other entry levels, the facade was shed and the truth was finally found.  Lesson Learned: WLB isn’t about moving marbles from W to L or vice-versa.  Moreover, it’s the process of harmonizing the two in a holy matrimony that suits your own personal needs.  As the corporate Joe’s shed their Lulu gear for Brooks Brothers, I couldn’t help but scream Eureka.  A morning gym sesh isn’t the remedy for feeling balance, rather, it’s the first meeting on the days agenda.  I couldn’t help but to notice that the men I shared the powder room with weren’t escaping the job…they were starting the days work.  Doing 3 sets of 10.  Then making 60 calls a day.  With that, here are the 8 guys in the gym who you will find in the office as well.


The Networker:

While the socialites will tell you that life is one big party, business 101 explains that it is actually a perpetual networking event.  The Networker is savvy of this, which is why his phone is strapped to a Mophi and his business cards are always on his person.  Clad in little more than a towel, he’s an opportunistic hunter with an insatiable appetite for your email address.  Unfortunately, The Networker is probably not where he’d like to be in his life just yet, which is why he’s a Crunch rather than Equinox.  A few more intros at the urinal may do the trick as he social climbs his way to the top of the heap.


The Peacock:

Attorneys and realtors seem to be the main culprits of corporate pea cocking.  In a white-washed office, some take to pastels and plaid to set themselves apart from the rest of the 2-piece suit wearing professionals.  The Peacock can’t wear his bow-tie or argyle in the gym, so he wears nothing but his birthday suit.  Even if he isn’t the most well-endowed, nothing forces attention like full-frontal male nudity.  Like the bow-tie, cock and balls is pretty distracting…but that’s the entry strategy of choice for guys like this.   Any press is good press, and The Peacock, like my 7th grade girlfriend, just wants some fucking attention.


The Caffeine Addict:

Recent studies show that about 45% of an employees monthly income is spent on rent…the rest goes to iced coffee.  If your job doesn’t get you up in the morning, a Trenti from Starbucks with a shot of espresso will do the trick.  This is the mens locker room, so green straws from the Bucks are socially unacceptable.  Enter pre-workout and all of it’s powdery amphetamine glory.  With enough kick to kill an elephant, The Caffeine Addict gulps down three scoops at 7am just to stay sharp between the ears.  Editors Note: Cocaine is a common substitute for either energy source, which is likely the precursor to the traces of white found on the office sink.


The Corporate Expenser:

2 hour lunches at Nobu won’t break the bank if you’re carrying an AMEX Gold linked to the enterprise bank account.  Some men enjoy the ultimate luxury of spending company money on company time.  These guys are in the gym too of course, as that same AMEX is likely paying for the membership to begin with.  You can spot The Expenser amongst the crowd by keeping an eye on the clubs amenities.  It’s not out of character to see him stealing razor blades or towels after he rips a killer leg day.  Even with all the money in the world, The Expenser has no problem taking hand outs.  He likely has as many personal assets as he does shame for his spending…little, to none.


The Painfully Vainful:

Like The Peacock, The Painfully Vainful is just looking for some recognition. Unlike the cock, he gives it to himself, rather than seeking it from others.  Type A arrogance is his calling card, and his subpar performance metrics are everyone’s fault but his own. Pressed to the mirrors, he ogles himself like the bronzed Adonis he perceives himself to be.  The Painfully Vainful isn’t here to make friends as no one is even good enough to breath his air.  Lacking any ability to self critique or adjust himself, his resume highlights his inability to hold down a desk for more than 2 years. But it’s not him, it’s you.


The Dad Bod:

How much money did they give you to give up on your dreams? 40 grand?  At 23 with wide eyes and a degree, The Dad Bod recognized his need to earn and provide the second he graduated and saw his 5 figure student loan debt.  His physique might make you assume it’s his first day lifting, but in reality, it’s just on the bottom of his priority totem poll.  He’s shaving his 5 o clock shadow while wrestling his sons into their school clothes. The Dad Bod epitomizes the work-to-live mentality…you won’t see the results on his own person, rather his offspring will be the ones with the 6-packs.  He’s the family man who will take what he can get, but has no problem giving it all away for the greater good.  It’s as commendable.  But while his heart is big, his belly is even bigger.



The Tony Robbins:

Barnes and Nobles quarantines half of their shelves to the “self help” collection. It’s funny to me that self help is taught by others, but social media has made most of us subscribers to at least one form of shareable inspo. The Tony Robbins lives every moment like it’s his last.  With an exhausting amount of exuberance, he’s in the corner of the locker room listening to The Guru Speech before switching over to Gary Vaynerchuck.  He’s in great shape, as he consumes as much motivational content as he does whey protein.  Positive thinking, in his opinion, is all he needs to to succeed.



The Constantly Connected:

My performance review, like most millennials, will always have poor remarks in regards to my phone usage during office hours.  It’s not our fault, as we were born into the digital age and IMO we won’t ever be forced to live without it.  There’s no need to learn long division anymore…I’ll always have a calculator present.  The Constantly Connected is a space cadet.  With his head in the iClouds, he scrolls through lives more exciting than his own and can’t go a minute without an InstaSnapBook break, not in the gym nor at the office.  It’s a precarious position to be in, but with all of the incoming info he subjects himself too, one can only hope that he spits something positive back into this world himself.  Until then, expect him to occupy the middle of the pack.  Just remember, the most valuable gift you can give something, is your attention.


Work hard, play hard boys.





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