10 Things I Heard During Week One

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The best piece of advice I’ve gotten since thrusting myself into the business world sounds like it rests in anatomy, but in fact it lies in listening.  The saying goes “you have two ears and one mouth for a reason…science is telling you to listen twice as much as you speak.”  Being a corporate neophyte, my experience level is next to nothing compared to the top tier guys I work with.  Therefore, when taking that entry level position, do yourself a favor and zip your lips and just keep your ears to the ground.  You really don’t even know what you don’t know, so until you get that promotion and start climbing the corporate totem poll, listen to what’s going on around you to bite down on that learning curve.  Here’s 10 things I heard during my first week of work, not specific to my job in real estate, but instead universal to the working man.

“Go Talk To I.T.”

While you may think the boss is the ass that you better start kissing, the real move maker in the office is the I.T. department.  Information Technology is the brick and mortar of any office, so get yourself nice and tight with the computer guys because if you’re like me, a millennial who doesn’t know the difference between bluetooth and wifi, Jose in I.T. is going to have to be your best friend.  From getting your work email up and running to learning the programs your office runs on, your tech troubles will be constant.

“Nice Suite, Buddy”

God I hope he was serious when he told me that.  I never imagined myself suiting up and going to work every day.  While I do feel like a young James Bond in my two piece, I’m sure the price tag on mine is seldom in comparison to the big dogs.  These guys literally jerk off to high thread counts and know the difference between charcoal and obsidian.  To me it’s all 50 shades of grey but I’m starting to see the importance of a tailor made.  Also, while my casual Friday may only allow me to lose the tie, I pride myself on a kick ass socks game.  While GQ and Forbes may advise against wearing your weed leaf hot pink’s, claiming that this form of office pea-cocking is a big no-no, I see it as the one area where creativity and fashion taste is permissable.

“Welcome To The First Day of the Rest of your Life”

This one sends a shiver up my spine and makes me want to call my mother and tell her to pick me up.  Fuck this phrase and the heavy implications behind it.  Technically, every day is the first day of the rest of your life and if you really put your head to it, every day could also be your last.  Make plans and set goals, it’s the key to success but when the grind actually starts, just take it day by day or you will surely overwhelm yourself.

“The Bathroom Code is…”

Back in my fraternal days at UM, us Zeebs had a warning note to our girlfriends to follow the strict, “go before you come” policy.  Public bathrooms are what nightmares are made of and while you have the option to sit, cover, or hover…the conditions of the facilities will always be less than stellar.  Your in a room full of guys pounding coffee like it’s free air and eating protein bars to sustain.  Ground zero is not a fun place to be so if it’s really an emergency, hit the Ritz down the street for some higher qual.

“Beers Later?”

People will pick their poison when it comes to cutting the edge after a brutal 9-5.  Whether it’s pot, some yayo, or full blown Heisenberg Blue, the outlet is essential to defuse yourself after a tough day.  I never understood alcoholism, as I always felt like a hangover was gods way of saying “yea go fuck yourself,” but sheesh does that beer in Bryant Park after a long one taste good.  We’re all on the same page here in that we work hard to play hard so capitalize on the happy hour deals in your neighborhood and put a couple back.

“When’s Lunch?”

I eat like a bird to maintain this girly figure of mine.  Caffeine and cigarettes also stifle the remainder of the already nonexistent appetite, but in reality, lunch is crucial.  Use the time to GTFO of the cubicle and suck up some fresh air.  Central air in these offices is like inhaling a mufflers exhaust on the back of an 18 wheeler.  Whether you’re allotted an hour or just 20 minutes, don’t postmate chipotle and eat it in the conference room.  Even if your counting pennies and packing PB&J’s, take it outside, make like a plant and photosynthesize.  Winter is coming!

“No Cell Phones.”

My Gen-Y friends will certainly have a problem with this, but your boss isn’t pulling your leg when he tells you to put it away.  Wifi in the office is strong, but do yourself a favor and don’t get caught looking at Total Frat Moves insta while you’re on someone else’s time.  You’re not getting paid to sit in a chair and fill in the space, that pay check comes with the stipulation that you will produce.  Either way, scrolling the feeds will take you out of your zone and probably make the angst for 5 o clock to come even worse.  You’re not missing anything, bud.


People always claim that yawning is contagious, but when it comes to work, that’s not a cause and effect.  Jerry is yawning cause he’s tired.  Rachel is yawning because she is also tired.  Mikey is yawning because, yes, he is also really fucking tired!  Kiss the 8 hours goodbye because if you’re a commuter or actually still leading some derelict form of a social life, your hours in bed are a thing of the passed.  Do something that gets you up in the morning and you’ll overcome the fatigue.  Keurig’s are an office standard these days.  Rise and grind people.

“Did you see that game last night?”

Another line I heard over and over again.  Touching back to the whole idea of a social life (whatever that is), keep yourself somewhat in the loop when it comes to the office culture.  I’m working with a bunch of 20 somethings who are as much of a degenerate as I am.  Europa and Copa America are both still on and it doesn’t hurt to be able to throw your opinion into the mix when it comes to hot topics that beckon daily recourse.  Maybe you’re not one for small talk, but 9/10 of your coworkers will be talking about Game of Thrones tomorrow morning by the water cooler.

“See You Tomorrow”

The fact of the matter is that careers take time to make.  Whether you’re in night life, real estate, marketing, or banking, you’re going to have to wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.  Even Drake, who nets well over your annual per performance, will have to wake up and hit the studio again tomorrow.  Work is part of life, so if you’re going home and squeezing your teddy bear dreading the next day on the machine, then quit.  Be the guy who comes in bright eyed and ready to get shit done.  This is what you signed up for.

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