I hope that anyone reading this has had the privilege of engaging in an intimate relationship with someone else. I don’t mean at 3:30am with your left hand or your fixation with the fucking Dallas Cowboys (FUCKING DALLAS COWBOYS). No no, nothing one sided here. I’m talking about the give and take tendencies that come with the territory of being emotionally or physically tied to someone else. If you have, you know how it goes. It starts with a curiosity…’wow I am just SO curious to see you naked’ or maybe something a little more mild. After the first contact, you enter the honeymoon stage. An obsession with this new person who has been pulling on your heart strings and playing your emotions like a glass fiddle. Too much of a good thing does not apply here. After that comes a plateau of sorts. You’ve kicked much of the experimental tires already and now the relationship has become the norm. Finally-unless he put a ring on it- comes the decay. The final, sad stages of a relationship where all of the juice has been drained from the fruit of love and you are left with a thirst for something new or different.
Yesterday I parted with my long time girl friend Mary Jane (cough cough). Ever since 10th grade me and her have been going steady and we’ve really had a great time. Welp, six years later and me and her have entered the decay stage. The fruit of our love has become dry and its time to hang up the cleats on this one. Our relationship must take a break, cough cough, here’s why.
She made me play into my vices.
Allow me to remain somewhat cryptic here, my savvy reader. I think its safe to say that most people of my age have went out on a date with young Mary J at least once or twice in their life. While the medical implications of dating Mary are unclear and frankly not what I am interested in, there are a few obvious side effects. After picking up Mary J…the flood gates to bad decisions have been opened. Economists and Psychologists use the term myopic to describe near sighted, narrow minded decisions. These are the choices we make under haste, when the pressure or excitement is palpable and your normal decision under the certain circumstance is neglected. Mary Jane made me go crazy. That cool, calm, and collected kid you knew during the day was turned into an impulsive motherfucker once Mary put him under her influence. A night out with Mary almost always resulted in a morning of regret. The vices I’m referring to here are simple, elementary ones. Nothing to really bat an eyelash at but when you make these decisions night after night, they certainly add up. Every time I picked up Mary J for a night on the town three things would happen. First, I’d spend all my money. Whether it was for the pick up itself or the myopic decision to buy 7/11 taquitos, it was a real piggy bank drain. Second, Mary made me eat like crap. While she never forced me to Micky D’s, night after night I’d end up at the drive through window…certainly not the reason I hit the gym for an hour today. I’ve spent over 40$ at McDonalds before, so the dollar menu also doesn’t cure any financial woes. The third vice that Mary made me play into was sleep. Sleep is good. Not sleeping? Bad. Mary Jane was always more of a night time activity for obvious reasons. The fact that me and her weren’t getting it on until 9pm the earliest directly correlated to losing hours and hours of sleep. Baby, you know I want to hang out with you, but I got an 8am, I can’t stay up with you all night again…I’m sorry.
An inconsistent identity.
I’m sure you’ve all had that friend who does a complete 180 once they start hanging out with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Mary Jane changed me every time we would hang out (duhh thats the point right). While the feeling that overcame me when I was with her was great, it was becoming a problem. I’m 21 years old and have a very long life ahead of me. With graduation a few short months away and the blatant fact that its time to really start taking care of MYSELF, it just doesn’t make sense for there to be a Michael high on Mary (her love that is) and Michael sober. I’m not in tenth grade anymore, doing jig saw puzzles in school and working 10 hours a week in an ice cream shop. Nope, now everything I do seems to have consequence and importance…therefore, the way I react is crucial. I simply can’t go through life anymore having these two different identities. Michael without Mary is a better man. He is practical, aware, and engaging. Mary J would make him lethargic, inhibited, and careless. At a time where opportunity is more important than responsibility, I need to be the best version of myself at all times. There can be only one Michael right now, sadly its the single, clear eyed version of the boy that must be present.
I touched on the topic just before, but I’d like to deviate slightly. You know when you’re doing something and you just wish you were doing something else. Webster would call that a distraction. Well having such a smoking hot girlfriend chilling in my living room ready to get it on at the drop of a dime is about as big of a distraction as I could imagine right now. Everything in this world should be done for some form of benefit. No this isn’t me being selfish or cynical. By benefit I mean advancing. Something to propel you further in a positive way. Richer. Stronger. Smarter. You know where I’m getting at. Alas me and Mary have run out of benefit. Aside from the immediate side effects of when she enters my system after that first hit, oops I mean kiss, the glamour of it all fades. We’ve been through the honeymoon stage, wake up bake up every damn day. We plateaued as I enjoyed her company with my friends. And now, that exuberance I once felt has faded as we begin to decay. She is no longer something that deserves my focus. I can’t give her any, because once I do, she pulls my attention from nearly everything else. You enter a state, its like being high…exactly like being high ;). Whether you’re in the gym, in the library, at work, or with your family at dinner, Mary Jane will steal your mind and body. She takes you to a place where you want to be, but sadly, priorities come with age. And priorities demand your focus.
Mary, I just want to say that its been a great ride. We’ve been through it all…truly have. I have already begun moving your stuff, or as the police call it paraphernalia from my room. I will retire it all into a dark, unexplored corner of my closet. This is not goodbye, just a farewell for now. I think this is me being mature…or at least starting to be. At some point soon maybe I’ll be able to balance this relationship with the rest of my life. But for now, sweet sticky sour, Mary Jane, au Revoir.