Phunkee What?

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What do the designer Asians at my school, every household rapper, and the rich 13 year olds I babysit for all have in common?  While there me be some awesome abstract factoid that the three share that I’m unaware of, the bond between these three is that they all own hover boards…erm Phunkyducks rather.

Soul Board Tell Em
Soulja Board Tell Em

Contrary to its street name, this new gadget isn’t like the floating skate boards in rocket power; trust me I’d give my left nut for one of those.  However, manufacturers of the technology are stating that this is sure to be “the next step in the evolution of transportation.”  I really hope that pun was intended.  Anyway, by grasping the concepts of tilt shifting sensors the PhunkeeDuck has found groundbreaking success as the gadget is now a household name, not just part of your average fuckboi’s vernacular.  How did we get here and where in the world are we set to hover off to next?

Let me start by tipping my hat to the producers of the Phunkee Duck hover boards.  Wearable technology is one of the harder industries to break into in the current times.  Unless you carry an acclaimed brand name like Apple or are trying to outfit wires into something as common as a wrist watch, the obstacles to push a functional, wearable piece of technology is insurmountable.

Chris Brown doing himself no favors
Chris Brown doing himself no favors

The first major step is developing the technology.  PhunkeeDuck CEO Matt Waxman was able to adapt current market technologies (thanks China) and synergize them into the user friendly “self balancing drift boards.”  Nice.  The next immovable object is making the wearable tech, well, wearable.  No I don’t mean that your smart watch stays on your wrist or your spy glasses don’t slide down your nose.  I’m saying this gadget has to be wearable i.e. YOU WILL ACTUALLY GO OUTSIDE IN PUBLIC WITH THIS THING.  I’m not a hat guy and I shake in the knees at the thought of wearing one to class, now you want me to float down campus on a moon stick?

Enter A-List celebrities and media power.  Jamie Foxx was the first major face to be seen sporting the commercialized PhunkeeDuck back in May on the Tonight Show with Jimmy F baby.  As Fallon and the Roots introduced the Foxx, the R&B star came floating across the stage and Hollywood responded.  Personally, after that appearance, I wasn’t able to scroll through any feed or even touch the internet for that matter, without seeing a new celeb displaying their newest 600$ purchase.  5 months later and the Asians and my 13 year olds are doing the same (refer to forced joke I opened with).  I don’t know where this product would’ve been without the likes of Bieber and the Jenners fueling the fire for the new hot commodity.  Cool factor leads to profits, theres no denying that.  Exhibit A.  The Segway.  Essentially, add handle bars to the PhunkeeDuck and its tomatoes/tomatoes.   The actual difference?  We want what Jamie Foxx has, not Paul fuckin Blart.

I’ve ridden both, truly have.  I’ve borrowed my friends Ducks in my apartment buildings hallways and had the pleasure of touring Rome, Italy on a Segway and to be honest, I wouldn’t put my money towards either.  People however certainly have bought into the chaos of the thing and hey all the power to them. I just don’t understand the utility though.  Sure you get around faster, but your not taking the thing out on the streets…its more public park geared.

This could be you!! You just gotta believe!!
This could be you!! You just gotta believe!!

Excersise?  Don’t event try dude, have you ever seen Wall-E.  In the futuristic post apocalyptic world displayed by Pixar, humans are depicted ass-glued to hovering chairs, seldom ever leaving.  In result, they all weigh 300+ pounds and the human skeletal system shrunk down to fetus size because people simply didn’t need bones anymore.  While animation may take this point to the extreme I’ll still allow Pixar to cover that one for me.  Finally, as always, were back to the cool factor.  The PhunkeeDuck is awesome.  Its fun  and shiny like all good things in life.  But again, we want what JFoxx has not Blart.  So maybe this thing can up your celebrity….”he’s the kid with that thing.  Yeah, from snapchat”  While thats a great claim and all, I hate to say you may be doing more harm than good.

Void of my opinion, the PhunkeeDuck has a hater magnet built right into its memory board.  I disassembled one and sure enough, right next to the motor, a hater magnet. Note: I didn’t waste my time looking for the pussy magnet like my English teachers Ferrari has (for obvious reasons).  If you get up on that thing, you are asking for it!  Now thats not my choice nor is it the way this world should work but its the way it is.  Its extremely ostentatious and it makes you stick out like a soar thumb…people don’t respond well to that.  Add to the fact that people know you put a few paychecks towards and you’re lucky you’re not getting jumped while riding.  People will always respond with hate to things that are foreign to them.  its in the human DNA to reject, reject, rejectt until its finally time to give in.  Unfortunately, unlike products like laundry detergents or thermal coffee mugs that market to the average consumer, the PhunkeeDuck pools its sales from the ‘rich kids of instagram’  market segment…a pretty shitty group
to be leading ‘the evolution.’

So if this is truly the next step in the evolution of transportation, you early adopters should hold your head high.  Ride it with pride brother!  Only time will tell if this is 2015s version of Heelys except this time around the price tag is a little more devastating.  So take a step up on the PhunkeeDuck, everyones watching but what do you care. Right?

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